Constructing Failsafes for Myself

In which Taravangian has taught me a lesson

In the process of reconstructing and understanding myself, I have gathered many opinions. (Thanks, people I’ve spontaneously bothered about random topics. What would I do without you.) Unsurprisingly there isn’t a ton of universal agreement. One such area being something along the lines of: “how much can I figure myself out?”

This isn’t really what I’m writing about, before you get excited. Or unexcited. But it’s related. Perhaps I ought to outline where exactly I’m going with this:

(1) Some answers I have heard on the subject.

(2) Where I fall on the subject.

(3) Some cautionary tales and things I am afraid of.

(4) Failsafes and how they fit in to the above.

(5) Some not-so-grand conclusion related to all of the above.

Great. Now, we’re about as prepared as I am when I start writing an essay due in approximately four hours.

So, let’s start with answers. I’ve gotten a wide spectrum of answers; there are people who seem to err on the side of ‘trying to figure out every detail of themselves, what they believe in, and what they want’. Of those, I actually think some of them might just be able to do it. It’s kind of incredible.

On the other end I’ve met people who prefer not to think too hard about the general cases and operate on a day-to-day basis. That’s not to say they know nothing of themselves. This isn’t a discussion of people who are entirely lacking in the ability to introspect. (I’m not fully convinced that even exists; but, discussion for a different day.)

The distinction I’d like to draw can be neatly referred to as a distinction between theorists and experimentalists. Or, really, it’s a distinction between mathematicians and physicists. At its best the first view strikes me as an attempt to derive oneself rigorously and rationally from some starting principles. The second is an attempt to go out into the world, observe how one reacts, and from this construct rules about behavior.

The two might be the same. The first may secretly be doing the second and framing it as the first, or not so secretly. The point, I guess, is how you view yourself. Do you figure out the rules internally, or do you throw things at a wall and see what sticks. I don’t think either one is better. I’d be bored out of my mind if everyone did the same thing.

So, where do I fall? As reigning queen of indecisiveness (to the point where I think I’ve literally built it into my framework), unsurprisingly my answer is “a combination of both”. Let’s start with what I want: what I want is to be the mathematician. I want to derive my own principles and sort myself internally and rigorously. I want the world to work this way. (Whether I think this is actually the case is a subject for a different day.)

A quick aside here is that I think it’s important to figure out what you want to think.

To my credit, I think I actually can do some of it. I spent a lot of summer sitting in my room figuring out my internal rules and such. I derived things like what is important to me and what sort of person do I want to be, all without leaving my room (except for the occasional snack). So, let’s be clear: I can think.

But I can’t think through everything. Or, rephrase: I do not believe I— or, really, anyone —can do so. Story for a different day. (Long story short— I’m still willing to believe in the people who want to try.) Maybe for some people this marks a good stopping point— keep figuring out the things you’re capable of figuring out. There’s plenty that can be done with that.

Me, though, I dislike restrictions on what I can try to learn. If I can’t do it myself through direct reasoning, I’ll find another way. This is important to me. Enter the physicist.

Things like social rules or things which depend on other people— the kind of thing I find so mystifying I can’t puzzle it out on my own —I’ll just keep trying. Do something which follows from instinct or habit or sheer randomness. Observe the results. Adjust. Carry on. Collect an ungodly amount of observational data. Crowdsource opinions. Information is gold. Everything is interesting.

And from this I’ll construct things that I can believe in because the ‘data’ supports it. So, I’ll play at being a mathematician and a physicist all at once. Sometimes the experiments yield ideas which I can then prove through my own principles, now that I know where to look. Sometimes I test the things I have derived, just to make sure I haven’t made an error.

You could say that I am painfully aware of my own fallibility. Once my framework— if it could even be called that —involved assuming I was always in the wrong. Not a very good way to live. But I accept readily that I could go wrong in a multitude of ways. So, how do I reassure myself that I can proceed?

The answer is: failsafes. I’ve thoroughly convinced myself that believing I’m wrong is not a viable way for me to live, and so, I have no choice but to believe some things. To reassure myself, I’ve constructed some standards. I’m happy to make them stricter if the data indicates I ought to.

But before I talk about these, let me illustrate what I am afraid of, briefly.

Demons is probably one of my favorite books. Relevant here is the character of Alexei Kirillov— an engineer who believes in the complete supremacy of the human will. He has declared an intent to commit suicide to demonstrate that he has overcome humanity’s ultimate fear of death, and in doing so, will become God. More or less. I’m bad at summaries— read the book, instead. As interesting of an idea as that is, what scares me is that he becomes consumed by this idea. He has so entirely tied himself to it, that he can no longer decide it is false and choose a different path. The idea has consumed him and thus he is forced to take it to its conclusion— suicide.

Something like this is what I would hope to avoid. (And yes, I’m being dramatic, he’s being dramatic— of course he is, it’s a book. ) To be forced to take an idea to its end; it’s the kind of thing I’m prone to when I’m in my own head. I am a person of extremes; I do not naturally do Things halfway.

Thankfully, I think I’m a bit of an idiot. Until I am so certain of something that I have proven it beyond all doubt, I am not permitted extremes. This is a failsafe. If I somehow came to believe what Kirillov did, only absolute certainty would allow me the subsequent extremes.

But that’s just the literary example. I’ve got some more down-to-earth failsafes. An easy point of failure is my state of mind. I tend to refer to this as ‘being in a bad mood’, but it’s not always entirely emotional. I’ve started keeping track of this numerically, too. But I’ve learned to recognize the hallmarks of a poor state of mind; and when I am like this I know that I cannot trust the conclusions I draw. Instead I’ll note them down for another day’s consideration.

Similarly, I have failsafes for the larger conclusions I have drawn about myself. Usually if I’m reworking large parts of my framework or reconstructing myself from scratch, I’ll dedicate a few months to the task— enough time to ensure my individual fluctuations don’t skew the general ideas I have. And, I’ll do it in pieces. With sufficient breaks.

If you’ve read far enough in the Stormlight Archive you’ll know about the king who is clever on some days and stupid on others. Inversely he is cruel on some days and compassionate on others. And so he has built in his own failsafes as to what he is permitted to do on a given day.

So, for me, there are only certain days when I can draw large conclusions. I’ve been wondering about generalizing failsafes to other things, though. Are there days where I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to people? This seems a bit extreme. The better variant may be: I should perhaps warn people the kind of state I am in?

Anyways. I won’t let my worse days overturn the things I have discovered I like about myself. But once I’ve learned to identify the signals of when I cannot necessarily trust myself, the question is: how do I deal with myself for the day?

The unfortunate answer right now seems to be: I don’t know. Am I allowed to ask for help?

(This post was sponsored by my stream of consciousness and absolutely no thoughts or editing. Have fun.)